Definition: “the phenomenon in which deaf people are perpetually left out of conversations”
(As described by Dr Leah Geer Zarchy in an interview with BBC Worklife in 2020).
This basically is the definition for the situation in which Deaf/Hard of Hearing people are constantly left out of conversations around a dinner table or when in large groups.
This is because of how hard it is for Deaf and Hard of Hearing people to keep up, and as a result cannot understand and/or follow conversation, especially is they rely heavily on lip reading.
For me personally, this happens almost daily. I’ve spoken recently about hearing fatigue and how exhausting listening can really be, and relying on lip reading to “listen”, which can be equally as exhausting.
There have been many situations over the years where I just cannot keep up, or I’ve given up asking someone to repeat, or I’ve reacted in the wrong way because by that point I’ve resulted to nodding, smiling, and laughing, in an attempt to look like I’m still engaging in conversation, when really, I gave up a while back. And believe me there have been some…situations.
For example, I was out with a previous partners family for a meal, with family I have not met before, who my partner forgot to mention to me that they had an accent, or to their grandparents that I wore hearing aids. It was in a large, noisy restaurant, that had background music playing loudly too.
We were sat at a large rectangular table, and one of their grandparents was sat the opposite end of the table, after five minutes, I was struggling terribly. I had just gone to my usual routine of smiling and nodding, trying to lip read to try catch any parts I could try make out – with new accents it can take my brain a while (sometimes a couple of meets) to figure out how the mouth, tongue and teeth pronounce sounds, so I was very delayed in figuring out words and therefore my response. At some point, my brain eventually started picking up body language had changed, as they gave me a little puzzled look, and I’m just catching up with piecing together the last sentence, and I’m sat there, unfortunately smiling and nodding very happily until I work it out, they were telling me they’d been diagnosed with cancer a couple of years back and how they’d had surgery.
I’ll tell you now, I have never felt my expression change so quickly or felt my face go so red. I was mortified – I excused myself when they’d finished their story and called my friend from the bathroom.
To this day, although I laugh about that story, a lot, it haunts me. I dread meeting new people, going to busy or noisy places. I have to be on it constantly, brain working in overdrive.
This is just one incident, one time, many years ago now. But there have been plenty more I assure you, with plenty more to come I know it.
But it’s not just embarrassing situations. It’s being blatantly left out. I’ll have lost track of the conversation, and everyone will laugh, I’ll ask what everyone is laughing at, and I’ll be told “it doesn’t matter”. Now, I can tell you hand on heart, “it doesn’t matter”, is one of the most hated phrases by anyone who has hearing loss of any kind and they’ve asked you to repeat it. Not only is it frustrating, its just rude. While it may be “annoying” for you to have to repeat, it is even more “annoying” for me to have to just be left out and be mad at myself for not being able to hear.
With people heading out more or having friends/family round for drinks or a meal, it can seem fun, and it is, it’s exciting after not being able to for most of last year, but just be aware of how it could be challenging for someone who is Deaf/Hard of Hearing. This can be something as simple as having dinner around the table in an evening, everyday situations that may not seem problematic, but can be exhausting and isolating to others.
So, I’ve had a good old moan, said how hard it can be, but that’s no good if everyone doesn’t know how to change their behaviour to help, right? Here are some ways and things you can do to help:
• Repeat things if someone asks, it can help them feel part of the conversation if they’ve missed something, and it’s just polite
• If someone is really struggling, and you see them looking isolated, try to involve them, engage them – even if it means texting them, writing something down, signing to them (there are options that make it easier but inclusive, be willing to adapt)
• If there’s an option, choose a round table, it’s easier to see everyone, and their faces
A friend of mine on Instagram @the_pink.hearing.aid_diaries has recently done a great little post on this topic, give it a look, share it, educate people so that others can learn and understand too. A lot of the time people just need to be told so that they can understand a bit better and develop their behaviour, and that’s how we create change – which is exactly what this lovely young lady is doing with her Instagram page, so go check it out!